Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
