mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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