Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
