John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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