I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have aggressive nipples.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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