I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
