what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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