Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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