Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
