after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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