Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
