So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
last night I used snow as a chaser
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
