it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I wish there were birth control emojis
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
