Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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