The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
