I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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