I just cut my nipple shaving
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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