Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
