I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
