There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
