he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
