Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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