Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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