smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There's always time for handjobs
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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