just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
