Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
