I want to have your abortion
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my shit smells like andre
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
