I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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