4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She tied me up with her honor cords...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
