I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
