The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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