I looked at my own cervix.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
