i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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