Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
