don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
