haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
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But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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