I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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