Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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