Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
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I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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