I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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