I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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