my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
