Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it's like iHOP with fire
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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