she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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