I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
