I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
