We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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