apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I need a hoe opinion
go on
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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