I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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