Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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