Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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