Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
