I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
