my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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