Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
