so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
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I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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