Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
